Noobs. Or n00bs. Or even NOOBZ. Whirling dervishes of chaotic idiocy whose sole purpose seems to be the often inadvertent obliteration of any trace of in-game group cohesion.
They also tend to make surprisingly stupid mistakes, going above and beyond the call of duty to fail in their tasks in remarkably spectacular ways. Things like running blindly into waves of enemies, jumping off cliffs to find treasure even though there is obviously nothing there, and causing the death of their online team mates by accident in dozens of situations in a single sitting.
Whenever challenged about their evident stupidity, Noobs consistently blame others and engage in the annoying defence mechanism of posting nonsensical hate-fuelled walls of text into public online chat channels, or if they’re wearing a headset you can be sure your typical Noob will be filling the airwaves with as much foul language as possible.
Straight out of the gate we need to establish the difference between a Noob and a newb or newbie. A newbie is anyone new to a game, pretty simple really, cut them some slack, they’re learning the ropes. Before you know it they’ll be all up in the games guts, grinding like a champ. We’ve all been there, right?
The Noob, however, is an entirely different beasts altogether. They’re pretty much universally hated throughout gaming, no matter the platform. If someone’s calling you a Noob, you can bet your bottom dollar it ain’t because they’re loving the shit out of your playing style.
It’s because you’re being a massive twat.
But let’s just imagine for a moment that you WANT to be a Noob… You can’t wait to get into a game and start trolling so hard your skin turns carboniferous and a wandering band of adventurers set up camp outside your house.
Here then, friends, is how to reach epic levels of Noobness in only ten short steps:
1 Learn Leetspeak
This really is the rock upon which the Church of Noob is built.
Leetspeak, or ‘leet’, originated within bulletin board systems (BBS) in the 1980s, where having “elite” status on a BBS allowed a user access to file folders, games, and special chat rooms. The Cult of the Dead Cow hacker collective has been credited with the original coining of the term, in their text-files of that era.
One theory is that it was developed to defeat text filters created by BBS or Internet Relay Chat system operators for message boards to discourage the discussion of forbidden topics, like cracking or hacking.
The modern Noob has adopted this, let’s admit it, frankly annoying method of written communication and utilises it almost exclusively when attempting to converse with anyone present.
2 Have An Incomprehensible And/Or Entirely Unoriginal Username
If you’re going to be the best Noob you can be you’ll need a terrible username or gamer tag. In leetspeak. Ideally you’ll want to make some kind of sexual reference, failing that you’re going to want to let the world know how much of an awesome stoner you are with your clever and well thought out pot reference. Better still create a username that tells the world how incredible you are at pwning noobs. If you fancy you can add a string of numbers to the end of your name.
A classic way to advertise your Noob status is to add any combination of X’s before and after your username.
You get the idea.
To spam: sending an often repeated message or large useless quantities of text in a chat channel. Also known as Spamming. Players often “spam” the channel with multiple copies of the same message in order to ensure said message is seen. This is so common that most games now come with an option to report spammers with a simple click on their username.
Seriously, other gamers hate it when you’re constantly begging and whining for help. So that’s exactly what you’re going to do.
All. The. Time.
4 Flame On!
When you’re whining fails to get you any kind of help you need to step up your game. No I don’t mean that you should actually devote some time to learning how to play the game you’re currently spamming, I mean you need to start piling on the verbal abuse.
Flaming is the practice of unleashing a tirade of vitriolic nonsense so incredible your victim’s face actually sets on fire. OK, that might not be true but if your going to Noob out, then you need to Noob out hard.
Nothing is off limits once you whip out the flame-thrower. It’s important that you question your victim’s sexual orientation, insult their family (with particular reference to their mother) and never pass up the opportunity to inform your victim that you’re going to hack their system and DOX them because you are ANONYMOUS! Obviously.
5 Don’t Forget To SCREAM
Into your headset. At full volume. Constantly.
Sure we’ve all delivered the occasional expletive, which can be forgiven, but if your vying for the crown of King Noob you have to make sure that not one sentence leaves your lips that isn’t peppered liberally with your choice of swear words. You should have a strong preference for the word ‘fuck’ and all its iterations. Try to make every third word a ‘fuck’ or ‘fucking’. Trust me.
Alternatively of you’re typing in a chatroom you must ensure CAPS are fully locked and loaded. And if you are typing please, for the love of all things Noob, you need to forget any rules you might have learned with regards to grammar, spelling or punctuation.
6 Advertise For A Significant Other
We all know the best place to pick up the hottest guys or gals is online, preferably via the chat channel in your favourite FPS or MMO of choice.
Not only can you combine this step with Spamming constantly, I highly recommend that you do. Remember to ask for hotties to message you directly and that they only get a reply if they’re posting nudes. Oh and you’re only on the look out for a perfect 10.
7 Always Blame Your Shitty Game Play On Lag
Always. Only you know how real the struggle is.
Seriously. Who has the energy to run everywhere? Holding down that run/sprint button or key? That’s for losers. Just find yourself a sweet hiding spot and let the enemy come to you.
Head to YouTube and find the best camping spots for your game. Don’t waste your time with forums, reading takes too long. Once you’ve discovered the best locations to set up camp jump into the game and head straight for it. Try and find an awesome bottleneck that makes it hard for your enemies to get to you.
If anyone dares to call you a Camper, point out that it’s a perfectly legitimate strategy and maybe your opponent is just a scrub. And you are 133333333333337!!!!!111!!!11!!!!!111!
9 Report Anyone Who Has The Temerity To Call You Out As A Noob
You are not a Noob.
Even if you ARE a Noob, you’re not a Noob. Not as far as anyone else is concerned. And woe betide the poor fool who attempt to bestow the title of Noob upon you, for you possess power. Such unlimited power. Hit the report button. Hard. Hopefully the mighty Gods of the Ban Hammer will strike down your foe.
10 Keep The Faith
You are better than any other gamer. Period. Never, ever let your gaming superiority be questioned. You are correct in all things when it comes to any game on any system. Even games you know you’ve never played. Or systems you’ve never played on. Lesser Noobs must learn to respect your authority.
And if your authority is ever called into question then by following all of the above steps you’ll be fully armed against anything that comes your way. You have ascended the throne of the Kingdom of Noobdom. Survey your lands and those lesser mortals and filthy casuals below you.